


Cheap Therapy

by blue_pointer



Series: A Glorious Retelling [63]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Advice, Big Sis Kima, Biological Clock, Bonding, Canon Timeline, Closet Sex, Controlling Ex, Don't copy to another site, Doubt, Drinking, Dubious Alignments, Episode: c01e074 Path of Brass, Family, Friendship, Gilmore x Vax'ildan, Girls' Night, Girls' Trip, Heart-to-Heart, Kima Has Your Back, Life Imitating Art Imitating Life, M/M, Metallic Dragon!Gilmore, Minor Shaun Gilmore/J'mon Sa Ord, Minor Shaun Gilmore/Vax'ildan, Past Relationship(s), Protective Kima, Sexual Roleplay, Smut, Terminal Illnesses, The Trouble with Mortals, Vaxmore, real talk, the NPCs are the real heroes, wlw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:55:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_pointer/pseuds/blue_pointer
Summary: After doing some soul searching and enjoying a night out with the girls, Gilmore ponders a one-night stand to relieve some tension. And runs into Vax.
Relationships: Kima/Allura Vysoren, Shaun Gilmore & Allura Vysoren, Shaun Gilmore & Kima, Shaun Gilmore & Raishan, Shaun Gilmore/Vax'ildan
Series: A Glorious Retelling [63]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1975831
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	1. No One Pushes My Family Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disappointed with Vox Machina, Gilmore has a heart to heart with Raishan. Then Kima finds out Vox Machina absconded with Allura, and it’s time to take a girls’ trip to Fort Daxio.

Gilmore made his way home slowly, feeling tired, defeated, and drained. _“What did they say?”_ Raishan asked him in Draconic, falling into step beside him, invisible, as soon as he left the castle. 

_“I’m not entirely sure I’m on the right side of this war anymore,”_ he confessed with a sigh.

 _“Mortals are deplorable,”_ Raishan said. _“They always have been. They destroy what they don’t understand, tear down what they envy, conquer and corrupt what defies their imagined authority. It’s why they murder us wherever they find us.”_

_“Because we will not be tamed?”_

_“Because we are better than they are. More intelligent. More beautiful. And, yes, we will not bow down to them.”_

_“Not all mortals are like this,”_ Gilmore said. He’d known many that weren’t. 

_“To the nine hells with Vox Machina,”_ Raishan said. _“Dragons should be with our own kind. As soon as I have my eggs back, I’ll go where no mortal will ever find me. You should return to your family.”_

Gilmore cast a sharp look in her direction. _“My family lies buried beneath the desert sands.”_

Raishan’s voice softened. _“Your mate pines for you. I know you can feel it.”_

 _“A millennium is too long to spend with just one person.”_

_“You miss having wyrmlings of your own,”_ Raishan said. _“It’s why you keep adopting mortals. Lay another clutch. It’ll give you a whole new perspective.”_

 _“Is that what happened to you?”_ Gilmore asked. 

_“Somewhat. I don’t have forever, like you do. I want to leave something behind to remember me.”_

Gilmore stopped, and turned in her direction. _“How long do you think you have?”_

 _“The weak and the sick are culled from the herd,”_ she said. _“If not for those who would kill me, perhaps I have another century. Maybe half that.”_

 _“I’m sorry,”_ Gilmore said. 

_“I worry most about losing myself to the sickness. The day I stop being Raishan will be my final day.”_

What a bleak conversation. But Gilmore found himself relating much more to her, enjoying Raishan’s company much more than he’d enjoyed his morning with Vox Machina. 

_“They want to use the magic siphon on you or Thordak. Perhaps both,”_ Gilmore told her.

 _“And just how are they proposing to do that?”_ she asked. 

_“They’re not,”_ Gilmore said. _“They’ve had no viable ideas.”_

_“Good to know.”_

_“Are you really going to bring back Assum?”_ Gilmore asked. 

_“I always keep my word,”_ Raishan said. _“See you if I make it back out.”_

 _“Safe travels.”_ Gilmore felt her leave. 

*

When Jarett had not come back to the house by nightfall, Gilmore wondered if he should go to the barracks to invite him back. Or perhaps it would do Gilmore some good to spend another night alone. After the council meeting today, he had much to think about. Not that he particularly wanted to. 

The decision was made for him when the front door banged open a short time later. Gilmore was in the library, dozing in front of the fire with a cup of tea, petting Lockheed, who was curled happily in his lap. “Where’s Allie!?” Kima’s angry voice came from the front hall. “Did those dumbasses kidnap my wife?! I’ll kick their butts!”

“In here, dear,” Gilmore called out. He felt too warm and dozy to meet her in the hall just now. 

“Alright!” Kima slammed open the doors to the library as well. “Where are those assholes? I’m about to give them a piece of my mind. And my **fist**.” 

Gilmore thought for a moment. “They did ask me earlier today to teleport them to Fort Daxio.” 

“Daxio!? With all those sex-starved man-boys?” 

Gilmore chuckled. “I can’t really speak to that.” Wait. If Allura had left Whitestone, who was maintaining the barrier? Gilmore looked at the spellwork, following the anchoring strands of the barrier back to...Drake? “Well I’ll be damned.”

“Fuckit. We’re going.” Kima marched over to his chair and stood in front of Gilmore, expectantly. 

“Oh, _I’m_ not going to Fort Daxio,” Gilmore said. “No thank you.” 

“Fine,” Kima said, crossing her arms over her chest. “Then send me.” 

Gilmore hesitated. “I can’t do that.” 

“Why the fuck not?!” 

“Well, first off, because I’d have to come with you--” 

“Then come with me!” she shouted, frustrated and impatient. 

“And secondly,” Gilmore continued. “If they are indeed preparing for battle, you need to take your armor and weapons along.” 

“Oh.” Kima deflated a little. She hadn’t seemed to consider this. 

“Now, you go and get ready, and I’ll try to think of a reason why I can’t go.” 

She paused and turned back to look at him more closely. “Okay, what happened?” Gilmore rubbed his forehead, not sure if he wanted to tell her about it. “Let me guess,” she said. 

“No, it’s not that,” Gilmore said. “I’m worried about Vox Machina. I think...I’m not sure they’re the good guys anymore.” 

Kima snorted. “They were _never_ the good guys. You didn’t get that memo?” 

Gilmore sighed, patting his scalp. “Today, I watched them kill a magical creature. Just to see what would happen.” 

Kima’s expression said it all. “They did what now?” 

“Alright, I didn’t watch them do it. I left beforehand. I just...I’m not sure I know who they are anymore.” He took a deep breath. “Keyleth walked away from Vax when he was dying in Wildemount. Grog is a strategist. Percival somehow thinks it’s acceptable to stab allies in the back--literally. Vax’ildan has no manners, as though he’d been raised in a barn--”

“Accurate,” Kima said. 

“I just don’t know if they’re the same people I fell in love with all those months ago. Is it safe to place the fate of Tal’Dorei in their hands?” 

“Oh, I can answer that one for you,” Kima said. “HELL no.” Perhaps she was joking. But Gilmore didn’t have the heart to laugh about it just now. “But look, goldie. That’s what people like you and me and Allie are for, right? And Sherri and Cassie and Drake--even old man Ryndarien. We tow the line so that if they go sliding into a ditch, we can yank them back out and kick their asses until they do right.” 

Gilmore sighed again. “That seems like an awfully big job.” 

She shrugged. “Saving the world: it’s not the job we signed up for, but it’s the job we gotta do.” 

He rubbed his forehead, hiding his eyes behind his hand for a moment. Kima ducked down, trying to see under his hand. “Hey. What is it?” 

“They met my mate when they were in Ank’Harel.” 

“No shit?” Kima’s eyes lit up. “Well hot damn, I didn’t know you even had one. Who’s the lucky guy?” 

Gilmore sighed. “You don’t know them.” 

She gave him a look. “You know I can just ask the boss if you don’t tell me.” 

“No one is supposed to know their true form.” 

“Oooooo!” Kima made spooky fingers. “So ominous. Okay, fine. So they met your other half. So what?”

Gilmore hesitated. “So...it’s possible that we’ve been on a break for several decades.”

“Okay, okay.” Kima nodded. “Shit happens. Sometimes you need a break. Me and Allie, we had careers on different continents for a while. I get it.” Gilmore sighed again. “Goldie, I swear to Bahamut, if you keep sighing like that, you’re gonna accidentally stir up a hurricane in here.” 

Gilmore offered a weak smile. “I think...they’re going to make me go back.” 

“Who? Vox Machina?” 

“Dev--” No, he couldn’t say the name. It would be as good as summoning them. “The Soul.” 

“Oh, your mate?” Kima considered this. “What do you mean ‘make’ you? You’re not allowed to have your own life and make your own damn decisions?” 

Gilmore shrugged. 

“I think I get why you’re on a break. Listen. No one pushes my family around. So if you’re not ready to go back to them, you don’t go back. And if they don’t like that answer, they can see **me** about it.” 

Gilmore’s smile grew a little. “I wish it was that simple.” 

“Oh no,” Kima said, waving her finger. “It is that simple. Period.” Gilmore looked at the rug. It was too hard to explain. “Say you understand me, because I’m not leaving here until you do.” 

“I...appreciate the sentiment,” Gilmore said. 

“Nuh uh,” Kima said. “Say it. Because let me tell you something: I have your back. No abusive ex is gonna make you do anything you don’t wanna do. Got it?” 

Gilmore just reached out and hugged her. 

“Okay, just so we’re clear? That better be a yes,” Kima said. 

“Yes. Thank you.” Then she hugged him back. 

“I think I get it now, though,” Kima said, stepping back. 

“What’s that?” Gilmore asked, dabbing his mascara with a handkerchief.

“Why you’re so into Emo Elf Twinkboy: he’s never gonna order you around. Though I still say he treats you like shit, and you deserve better.” 

Gilmore sighed. “Perhaps I do.” 

“Okay, now say it like you mean it.” 

He shook his head. “I’m just not sure what to think anymore.” 

Kima snapped her fingers, having a eureka moment. “You’re triggered. I get it! I’ve never seen you like this, so I didn’t know what to look for.” She grabbed his wrist. “Come on. We’re going to Daxio, and you, me, and Allie are gonna get drunk.” 

“Way ahead of you,” Gilmore said, raising his flask. It had stopped being tea in his cup hours ago. 

*

When they got to Fort Daxio, Allura was already in bed. But she wasn’t asleep. “Kima?” She sat up on the military bunk bed, doing her best to look effortlessly graceful and failing. It was hard to do in such dingy surroundings.

Kima made a face and covered her nose. “Holy shit, what’s that smell?!” 

Dead wyverns, if Gilmore was any judge. And enough of them for a human to smell at a distance. “It seems all is not well here,” he said. 

“No, I don’t think it is,” Allura said. “But why have you come? Is everything alright in Whitestone?” 

“Whitestone is boring!” Kima said. “How could you go to a fort and plan a battle without me, babe?” 

“I’m sorry,” Allura apologized. “I wanted to come get you, but Vox Machina didn’t want to wait.”

“Those fuckers!” Kima growled. 

“I didn’t plan on staying so long, but they immediately started making plans, and giving me work to do,” Allura continued. 

“Those inconsiderate--”

“Now, hunbun,” Allura warned. 

“No way. _Fuck_ those guys,” Kima said. She turned to look back at Gilmore. “Goldie, I hope you brought booze, or I’m gonna start a fight.” 

Gilmore pulled a bottle from his satchel. “You have your Vasselheim Original, don’t you?” 

“Not nearly enough!” Kima said, using her new sword to open the whiskey bottle. 

“Good to see you again, Shaun,” Allura said. “What brings you here tonight? Besides Kima, of course.” 

“He’s having trouble with his ex,” Kima answered for him. 

“Not precisely,” Gilmore said. 

“Definitely,” Kima said, finding three tin cups and pouring them all some drink. She waved Gilmore over to one of the uncomfortable chairs in the room. 

“It’s alright,” he said. “I’ll take the floor.” The three of them spent the next two hours drinking heavily and talking about their past relationships. When they needed another bottle, Gilmore just pulled one out of his bag for them. 

It turned out Mikael Daxio and Allura had once been an item; apparently she had a thing for older men. Kima talked about which gal-paladins in the Platinum Sanctuary knew how to use their tongues--and rated them on a scale of O through Nope. Gilmore tried to say as little as possible, but Kima did a lot of guessing about his situation, and she was rarely off the mark. 

“Really, you deserve so much better, Shaun,” Allura said, sitting at an angle that showed she was trashed. 

“You’re very kind,” Gilmore said.

“‘Strue,” Kima said. “You better believe it, queen.” 

“It’s late,” Gilmore said, pretending to check his time piece. “I should leave the two of you to your rest.” 

“Stay if you want,” Allura said. 

“Bye, goldie,” Kima said, climbing into the dorm-sized bed with Allura. Gilmore chuckled, closing the door behind him. 

Perhaps that was what he needed. Just some simple, no-strings-attached sex. There was enough testosterone in these barracks to power a small city...


	2. Can Dragons and Humans Have Sex?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While pondering a one-night stand, Gilmore runs into Vax.

Then again, why choose a stranger when there were more familiar options on the premises? Gilmore stood still for a moment, leaning against the wall, trying to decide. He didn’t want to do anything rash. 

“Gilmore?” 

“Vax’ildan?” He glanced around the dark corridor, unable to see the half elf. And then Vax appeared. It had to be an enchantment. No stealth was that good. 

“Why are you here?” Vax asked, welcomingly. 

“I’m not exactly sure,” Gilmore said, being honest. 

“I don’t understand,” Vax said.

“Same,” Gilmore said with a rueful smile. 

“Keyleth’s building a bunker under the fort,” Vax said. 

“Ah.” Was Gilmore supposed to glean some hidden message in that bit of information? 

“I was just sneaking around,” Vax said, awkward. 

“Well.” Gilmore offered a better smile. “Don’t let me stand in the way of your lovely evening.” 

“I’ll probably be dead soon,” Vax said, repeating the sentiment from this morning--or was that yesterday now? 

“Stop saying that.” Gilmore sighed, feeling like the exhausted parent of a nihilistic teenager. 

“You want to fuck?” 

Scratch the parent part, then. Gilmore was silent for a few moments. “I’m not sure.” 

Vax became more awkward still. “Oh.” 

Gilmore reached for his hand, and Vax reached back, hesitantly. They began to walk through the corridors, still holding hands, both staying quiet for a time. “When we last spoke, you sounded ready to let me go,” Gilmore said. 

“I just thought--maybe you were never mine to begin with,” Vax said softly. 

“Whose am I, then?” Gilmore asked. 

“Your husband. I suppose.” 

Gilmore swallowed with some difficulty. “Is that what they told you?” 

“No--at least, not in words.” 

“Then how?” Gilmore asked.

“The death threat, mostly.” 

“If Grog threatened to kill you unless you let him have me, would you say yes?” 

“I’d probably just ask if I could join in,” Vax admitted, after a few moments of thought. “But I wouldn’t ask the emperor that. They’re terrifying.” 

“They’re just older than you,” Gilmore said. 

“How much older?” Vax wanted to know.

“Millennia.” 

“I...don’t know how much that is,” Vax admitted after a moment. “I assume it’s a lot.” 

“Thousands of years.” 

Vax made a face. “Why would you marry someone so old and crusty?” 

“We’re not really married,” Gilmore said. “I mean--we are, but that’s not what binds us.” 

“What, like a curse or something?” Was Vax trying to make up a reason to make himself feel better?

“No, it’s something more...just different.” 

“If you don’t want to tell me, you can just say so,” Vax said. 

“I don’t want to tell you,” Gilmore said, watching to see if that hurt Vax’ildan’s feelings. 

He seemed to take it in stride. “Alright.” And then, “Can dragons and humans have sex?” 

“Oh yes,” Gilmore said, with a little smile. “Would you like me to show you?” 

Vax’ildan’s eyes grew large. “You have pictures?” 

Gilmore laughed. “No. I was going to demonstrate.” 

“Oh!” Vax glanced around, peeking into a nearby doorway before pulling Gilmore inside. It wasn’t a bunk or dorm room, but a storage space of some kind. Gilmore glanced around, trying to judge comfort. It wasn’t particularly clean, but at least it wasn’t full of dead wyverns.

Vax seemed satisfied, as he immediately began taking off his armor. “What should I do?” 

Gilmore sat back on a tarp-covered box to watch. “Well, first the dragon would shapeshift to take on a human form.”

“Like J’mon did?” Vax asked, still working to unbuckle. 

“I suppose,” Gilmore considered, vaguely suspicious. “Did they proposition any of you?” 

“I don’t think so,” Vax said. “But I might have been too scared to notice. I pooed myself a little.” 

Gilmore scrunched up his nose. “That doesn’t sound like they were coming onto you.” 

“No,” Vax said, turning back to Gilmore with only his pauldrons off so far. 

Gilmore sighed. “Poor Vax’ildan. Come here.” It seemed he’d been waiting for Gilmore to offer. Vax came right to him and stood patiently, waiting for Gilmore to unlace and unbuckle for him. 

“Wait, are you going to be the man in this demonstration scenario?” Vax asked. “Or the dragon?” 

“Which would you rather be?” Gilmore asked, letting him choose. 

“I think I’d rather be the man,” Vax said. “Unless there’s blood involved.” 

“Sex with a dragon can be gentle,” Gilmore said, unlacing Vax’ildan’s cuirass. “Or it can be bloody. It just depends.” 

“I don’t mind a little pain,” Vax said, managing to tug off his bracers on his own. “But I don’t want to be torn in half.” 

That made Gilmore laugh. Perhaps it was the visual. “It can be however you like,” Gilmore said. 

“Alright,” Vax said, shrugging out of the cuirass. “Does the man ever use his mouth on the dragon?” 

“That depends,” Gilmore said, carefully. “Does he want to?” 

“Oh yes.” Vax got down on his knees in front of Gilmore. “Do dragons always wear this many clothes?” 

“Sometimes more,” Gilmore said, smiling. 

“Do dragons let men take off their clothes?” 

“Only if they’re very well-behaved,” Gilmore said. 

“I’ll be well-behaved,” Vax said, arching up to kiss Gilmore, his fingers reaching for the buttons of Gilmore’s collar 

“Will you?” Gilmore asked between kisses, suddenly very turned on, in spite of their less than optimal surroundings. 

“Mmhmm.” 

  
  


It wasn’t long before Vax was in his lap, riding Gilmore as if he were trying to win the Kymal Derby. “Do dragons’ cocks always feel this good?” he panted, eagerly bouncing on it. 

“Mine does,” Gilmore told him, gripping Vax’ildan’s buttocks to spread him wider until Vax was keening with need. At the last, he stood, flipping Vax onto his back and railing him. When Gilmore felt close, he did not withdraw. He needed this connection to Vax’ildan. He needed Vax to be his again. 

“Oh, god! Yeah!” Vax groaned, gripping his own cock as he felt Gilmore come inside him. Gilmore finished him off with his mouth and fingers, so that Vax could feel both pressures at once. When he came, Vax screamed. 

Gilmore glanced up. “I hope no one thinks you’re being murdered.” 

“I have been murdered,” Vax said, falling limp on the tarp. “Call the watch.” 

Gilmore chuckled. “How did you find the demonstration?” He smoothed fingers across Vax’ildan’s flushed cheek. 

“I don’t mean to sound ungrateful,” Vax said. “But sex with a dragon seems to be a lot like sex with you.” 

“I’m sorry to disappoint,” Gilmore said, kissing him on the tip of his nose. 

“Oh, I’m not disappointed,” Vax said with a sultry look. “But I’m a slow learner. I think you might have to show me again.” 

“Oh?” Gilmore kissed the skin over his jugular, tasting Vax’ildan’s pulse. “Perhaps we can see if the demonstration differs somewhere more comfortable?” Storage boxes were not ideal for trysting. 

Later, as they lay tangled in the sheets of Vax’ildan’s bed inside the mansion, Vax carefully stroked Gilmore’s braids. “Is it possible to divorce a dragon?” he asked, thoughtful. “If you change your mind later on?” 

“I’m afraid not,” Gilmore said. 

“That’s what I thought,” Vax said, snuggling close. “Sorry for being angry with you for being married to someone you can’t divorce.” 

“Don’t apologize for your feelings,” Gilmore said. “I lied to you. It was a valid reaction.” 

“You didn’t really lie to me,” Vax said, running fingers down Gilmore’s back. “I never asked.” 

“A lie by omission is still a lie,” Gilmore said. 

“Well, I forgive you,” Vax said. 

“Thank you, my love.” Gilmore placed a lingering kiss on his thin lips.

“And I’m sorry for trying to stab Jarett,” Vax said, unexpectedly. 

This was news to Gilmore. Just what had he missed? “Will you promise not to do it again?” 

“No,” Vax said. “But I’ll try my best.” 

“Promise?” It wasn’t Jarett he was worried for; it was Vax. Jarett wasn’t as harmless as he seemed.

“I promise.” 

“Alright. I have to go back to Whitestone,” Gilmore said, sitting up, regretfully.

“What? No. Stay!” Vax pouted at him.

“Drake shouldn’t hold the barrier alone for this long.” Gilmore leaned down to kiss him goodbye. “And I don’t think Keyleth would appreciate coming back to find me in your bed after working so hard to fortify their defenses.” 

“But she said it’s okay,” Vax said. 

“Maybe. That doesn’t mean she’ll feel okay when she’s confronted with it like this.” At least, not in Gilmore’s experience.

Vax grabbed his arm. “Will you come visit again?” 

“If I can.” Gilmore kissed Vax again before standing up and getting dressed. “Don’t worry, you won’t go into battle without seeing me again.” 

Vax’ildan’s face had resumed its usual melancholy expression. “I promise,” Gilmore said. 

“Goodnight, Gilmore,” Vax said. “I love you.” 

“Good morning, my love,” Gilmore said, threading their fingers together for one last kiss before he Teleported home. 

Gilmore still did not know what was going to happen with J’mon. But he felt much better about where he stood with Vax’ildan. 


End file.
